In Your Favor

Good News, Hard Truths

• Amanda Beauford • Season 1 • Episode 1

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From church pews to rock bottom and back again. If you've ever felt like your life was falling apart, you’re not alone. Maybe you’ve lost a relationship, a job, or a version of yourself you thought you’d always be. I’ve been there. And I want you to know: God is still working it in your favor.

In this raw premiere of In Your Favor, I’m sharing my testimony of God’s relentless pursuit. I grew up knowing about God but never truly knowing Him. God stripped away everything I had built my identity around—career, marriage, financial stability—only to reveal He was never after my stuff. He was after me.

If you've ever questioned whether you’ve strayed too far or if God is really working things for your good, this conversation is for you. Let’s talk about faith, identity, and trusting God with the pieces. Hit play, and let’s get into it.

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Keep up with me on social! Follow @bygraceandmelanin on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube for more faith and healing content. Let's walk this journey together! ✨

Speaker 1:

Hey y'all, and welcome to the very first episode of In your Favor. I'm Amanda, and this podcast is all about exploring God's grace, favor and faithfulness, especially in the moments when it feels like it's falling apart. Before we dive in. First of all, I'm so excited y'all are here. Welcome, I'm finally doing this thing. I know I've talked about this for a while, so if we've had this conversation about in your favor, welcome, it's finally happening. Your girl's doing it.

Speaker 1:

I feel like you know there's a lot of podcasts in the world, but the Lord said it's your turn. So here I am. Just want to start by saying, if you have ever felt like you've messed up, you have strayed too far away from God, that you've done too much for him to use you, if you've ever questioned whether he's like actually working things out for your good, if you've ever looked at your life and you thought, like what is going on, this is not at all what I thought it was going to be like. Stay a little while, because that is exactly my story, and one of the things that the Lord really placed on my heart this year was to be more vulnerable, to share more about my journey, my story, where he has brought me from the things that he has delivered me from, and just how he continues to just transform and renew my life on a daily. So I want to just say like, yeah, I'm excited for this journey. Thank you so much for being here and I hope that it encourages you. I hope that you take something away from it because ultimately, even if it helps one person, I know that it is not in vain. So I'm going to start a little bit with my testimony, because I feel like I haven't really like shared a lot about my journey, how I grew up, my past. I feel like I haven't shared a ton of you know just about me, and so I'm gonna jump in and talk about where I came from.

Speaker 1:

If you know me, you know I am from small town, rural country, virginia, outside of Charlottesville. My town has one stoplight Nothing's there, y'all. When I say nothing's there, we don't have fast food. They had a Dunkin', I don't think. I don't know if it's still there. There was a Dunkin' Donuts and like a Food Lion, but no Walmart, no movie theater, no mall, nothing, one stoplight and I remember the people were in a frenzy when that stoplight came. It was like it was a whole thing.

Speaker 1:

But I did grow up in church, grew up attending church every Sunday pretty much. My mom was very active in the church, but I had a weird relationship with church for a while. So my dad is actually Catholic and his side of the family is primarily Catholic, where my mom's family is Baptist. And so I've asked them about this too. Like, growing up, how did they decide, like, were we going to be Baptist? Were we going to be Catholic? Like, what was that journey? And honestly, their response was we didn't really talk about it and so, um, there were Sundays where my family would go to my dad's church and so we would go to mass, um, and then there were Sundays where we would go to my mom's church, where we primarily um went, which was Baptist, and so we would have like our traditional Southern Baptist service.

Speaker 1:

And so I was very much like I knew God, I was baptized when I was like seven or eight, and I was baptized Baptist, obviously. But I was baptized when I was like seven or eight. I knew God, I understood, but I never had relationship. And I feel like that happens, or that can be a lot of people's story, where it's like, oh, like, I went to church. I grew up in church, I am doing the church things, but relationship not existent, it was not there. I didn't know God for myself for real, like I knew what my grandma has said, I knew what my grandma has said, I knew what my mom has said, I knew I had experienced God in some ways, like I had felt the Holy Spirit, but I didn't know what to do to really cultivate that relationship any deeper. And so, yeah, as you can imagine, it was a journey, trying to navigate that through most of my teenage years.

Speaker 1:

I was like very much questioning, questioning is God real, is God not real? What is God? Who is God? I went through all of the questions because I really didn't understand it and, as I'm sure a lot of people can relate to as well, when I would ask the elders in my family, it was always you don't question God, you just believe. And that confused me because I'm like I don't understand and I don't really have a place to go to to understand. And one thing about it is when life started, life in and you don't have no foundation, it's going to crumble and that's exactly what happened. So I went through some very crazy experiences. I went through some very crazy experiences. I've got a few stories, but the one that I think really transformed me. So, like I said, I grew up in church and then I actually graduated high school early. So I graduated high school in three years and I went off to college.

Speaker 1:

And college is a journey in itself of just rediscovering who you are, outside of the identity that you have created under your parents. And so I was again on that journey of just really figuring out who God was for myself. I always, for the most part, believed in God. I just didn't know God. I was like what is God? I wanted to have a concrete answer. I think in like, god is this and this is how you approach God. And I feel like that's how a lot of my relationships were were just like, oh, like, if I learn everything I can possibly learn about this thing, then I can master it and then I can fully understand and walk into it with the confidence of like, oh, I'm doing it the way it's supposed to be done and that's just not it. You'll never get that. So I really just like kind of shook me because I'm like I don't understand. So, on my own, 17 in college, figuring it out.

Speaker 1:

In my sophomore year in college, I was struggling so hard with my mental health. I was like I don't want to live anymore. I truly just felt like I did not know what to do, who to turn to, and it was a really isolating time in my life. I had just lost a close friend of mine to a car accident, and so I was really struggling with how one life is so unfair. This makes no sense. But then also, just like that was the first time I had really experienced loss and for it to be so close and for the person to be so young, I was wrecked because it just did not make sense to me. And so when I was struggling with my mental health, that was probably one of the first times where I was like, oh no, like this is actually not okay. And I remember feeling very confused, very lost, very a dark season of my life.

Speaker 1:

And at the same time I was entering into an honor fraternity and one of the people I connected with happened to be a believer and we became really good friends. She was friends with my big in that honor fraternity. They were roommates and seeing other people have a relationship with Christ it did help me, I can't say. At that moment I was like all in, like this is the thing. But I definitely found hope through being connected to believers. Granted, I was still in college, I was still drinking, I was still partying, I was still going out, but I felt after that, one experience where I was like I don't want to live anymore and was like the pits. Coming into relationship with those people really did give me hope to live again, and so I was like, okay, I need to get back in my word, I need to explore God for myself, and it took me a while to actually get there, but in that season I was reminded that there is hope and so fast forward.

Speaker 1:

I graduated college, I moved back home with my parents and I started working part-time while working full-time, while getting my master's, and so it was a lot going on in my life and I had reconnected with some people from my high school who lived in my town. And you know, you know y'all, we don't be making the best decision. Sometimes I can't hold you because I should have never been with these people and I knew I shouldn't have been with these people. I'm about to tell y'all a story, but the night that everything happened. I was actually living with my sister who lived like a few minutes up the road from my parents and I had got off work. I was in the bed and she came downstairs and I was like, getting up, and she's like, what are you doing? I'm like, oh, I'm about to go hang out with so-and-so and like these people think I have a little get together, a little kickback. And she was like, why are you going with them? And I was like I probably shouldn't. I know I shouldn't, but I was like it's something to do, there's nothing else going on. I'm going to go link up with these people, literally five minutes from my house. Crazy, like it can't be too crazy when I tell y'all this experience absolutely changed my life, like it changed my life.

Speaker 1:

So I went to meet up with these people and at the time I was into smoking, but I wasn't a big like weed smoker. I wasn't. I've never really been a big smoker, um, at least not at that point in my life. We'll get to other parts of my testimony later but um, at that point in my life I wasn't a big like huge smoker. I would do it recreationally, like with people every now and then, but that wasn't my thing, um, and I actually brought my own wine to the party because these people were kind of sketchy, kind of known for being a little seedy, a little, you know, got a question mark and so I was like, let me come prepared, I'm gonna do all the right things, I'm gonna make sure.

Speaker 1:

Long story short, I'm in this place with these people who I should not have been with and I had a drink, the two things of. I had like little things of wine that I had brought with me. I drank through two of those, and then they were smoking, and so I'm like, oh, like I'm here, I might as well should not have, but I did. And then this person brought me a glass of wine. At the time I was not a red wine drinker, did not really have the acquired taste for red wine, and so I was very much like hesitant, but I was like I'm here, I'm out of my drink, like one glass is probably fine. Mind you, this person lived with their parents, and so I'm like, how bad could it really be? Like it's just a group of kids hanging out, um, drinking and smoking and watching TV, like it can't be that bad. And so, long story short.

Speaker 1:

I drank what was in this cup and about 10 to 15 minutes later I started to feel really weird and I was like I'm not okay. And so I went to the restroom and I was like trying to throw up and I was like trying to get out of me. I'm like I have got to get this out of my system. And I wasn't able to get it out of my system and so I started freaking out and I'm like I've got to get out of here. They had blocked my car in the driveway and so I wasn't able to leave, and so at that point I was like full blown, I need to get out. And I called my parents. Between the time I called my parents and the time that my parents were able to get there was probably like 20 minutes or so, and by the time my parents got there I was completely full blown. Not myself, I have been roofied with something. I still don't know what it is.

Speaker 1:

I ended up in the hospital, and that experience is the first time. I will say that I feel like I met the Lord. And I met the Lord because I thought I was going to hell, I thought I was dying, and so I was basically telling my parents I'm like I'm dying, like I'm dying, I'm dying, and I know that was probably very traumatic for them to witness their daughter in that state of mind. But I literally thought I was dying and everything I saw was pretty much dark. It was very heavy, it was very like demonic, it was extremely demonic and I remember feeling like my body was on fire and as they're driving me to the hospital, I was trying to recite the 23rd Psalm and I could not recite it and I remember just apologizing to God.

Speaker 1:

At one point I had stopped talking to my mom completely. I was only referring to my dad and I would only refer to him as father, like I've never called my dad father a day of my life, like it was always dad, and I was like, yes, father. Like, yes, father, no father, like father. Like I was like yes, father, no, father, father. I was seeing my dad as God and I needed him to save me. I could not recite the 23rd Psalm. I felt like I was being driven to hell.

Speaker 1:

I got to the hospital, I was fighting the staff, I was literally full blown out of my mind, like out of my mind, and I remember one of the doctors came in and they had on like I saw it as all black. It was a like white man, all black clothing, black mask on, and they were trying to get me to sign the consent form so they could treat me. I, in my wrong state of mind, took that as they were trying to get me to sign my life over to the devil and I would not sign those papers. I was fighting, I was literally losing my mind, and so they did a bunch of tests. They were testing me, monitoring me, and I ended up staying overnight.

Speaker 1:

But through that experience I was like I have got to get right with the Lord. I have got to get right with God, because I'm not in good standing, like I'm literally like I was about to go to hell, like that is not where I want to be. I don't want to. I need to get right. And so I really started at that point diving deeper into like, what does the Bible even say? Like, read it for yourself, get in the word and figure out what God is even saying. And so I went on the first, I would say round, because I would love to say it only took one time, but it did not. It took me years to get to a place where I am now, but it was.

Speaker 1:

That was the probably the first time where I was like I need to really just learn God for myself. And so I was really like going to church and reading my word, exploring God for myself, learning God, having conversations with God, being honest with God, and at that time I was very much doing a lot of yoga. I was like dabbling in, like crystals and stuff, but I wasn't like full blown there yet. So I was still very lukewarm, still very much like playing with fire, like I just wasn't aware of how the spiritual realm works at all. And so after that experience, like I said, I went on this journey to learn God for myself, and I ended up meeting my ex-husband at the time while I was starting that journey.

Speaker 1:

And so as I got into like learning God for myself, I was like no, like I really need to be in church. But as I got into the relationship, I really found myself losing that and I ultimately lost it altogether, and so that progress that I found myself making for that period of time literally just went away over the course of that relationship, and so we ended up being together, getting married and ended up divorced, and so that was really the moment where I was like, wow, this whole time I'm back where I was, where I felt like I don't know God, I don't know God, I don't know God. And it was a very scary place because at that point I was like I'm much older. I felt a lot of shame, I felt a lot of guilt of like how could you still not know? And so I was like I am so far from God. There's no way that I can approach that again, because that clearly isn't it. I'm like it can't be the God, like it can't be Jesus, like I literally was, like it can't be Jesus.

Speaker 1:

Um, and so I've leaned even further during that time into new age um, crystals, tarot cards, um, I was doing a lot of divination, creating altars, like there was a, there was a heavy, heavy presence of like demonic activity that I was inviting into my life, and I didn't even know. And that's the crazy part, y'all is like I would even pick up the Bible and read with crystals on my Bible, like I literally did not know. And it's so scary. I'm so grateful the Lord delivered me from that, but it was just like it's so scary to think that there are still so many people who think that you can do both. You cannot do both. You cannot do both. I'm sorry, you cannot do both and I know you can't do both. I've experienced it, I've tried it Like you cannot do both.

Speaker 1:

And I think, going through those experiences of being like I literally should have lost my mind, like should have lost my mind, and knowing that the Lord kept me for a reason I see it now but I definitely did not see it then I experienced probably the craziest three, four years of my life. I was married for 11 months, got separated, got divorced in the midst of a divorce, lost my grandmother only for a few months later to lose my job, got laid off from my job because they were doing a merger, and then got a new job a few months later and then, nine months later, got laid off from that job because they were doing a restructuring. And so I will say like I have been through all of these moments of being just like what is happening, like what is going on, and I I really didn't realize that the Lord was in the midst of those things, because he had to, he had to do the most to bring me back. And when I say he had his hands and literally grabbed me and picked me up out of hell, yes, I give you my life, I literally will give you my life. You saved me, I am yours and I was yours all along.

Speaker 1:

And I think that's the crazy part is that we have these desires and these things that we want but at the end of the day, this is not our life. My life is not my own, like truly is not. And I think, um, I'm so grateful now that the Lord knew that it was going to take these very traumatic experiences, these like worst of the worst, I think, to really get me to see him. And it took a while for me to see that. And so he was never after the things right. Like he didn't care about the house, the car, the job he didn't, it wasn't about that. Like he was after me. And I think the moment I realized that this whole time I've been like fighting and like wrestling with, like wanting my plans to be it, wanting things to go my way, wanting everything, like I had built this dream life, y'all Like I was, like I'm going to be married by this age, I'm going to have kids by this age and all of it I had. I had a good job, like house, like homeowner, all homeowner, everything that you can imagine you're supposed to have with the American dream, and all of this stuff.

Speaker 1:

I was so broken, so empty, so void on the inside, to the point where I was not only rejecting him and running from him, making my bed in hell. I was so broken. I literally didn't even have healthy relationships. I didn't have healthy friendships. I did not have a good relationship with my parents. There was no fruit. Ultimately. There were good pockets and there were good things here and there, but when I look at the totality of my life, I see it was really void of God, and so there wasn't anything that I was really producing that I could be really proud of. I just couldn't. I was like what is going on? And so to know that the Lord loved me enough and cared enough to, even despite all of that, even me running and being so disobedient in so many ways, even despite all of that, he was like no, I still choose you. Nope, you're still my child. Nope, I still love you.

Speaker 1:

And so I think one of the hardest lessons I, like I, really had to learn was like trusting God doesn't mean everything is going to go the way that you want it to go. It doesn't mean that it's going to be the plans that you laid out. It really is like even if it's not, he's still good. Even if it's not the life that you dreamed of, the way that you dreamed of, like having him is worth having everything. Like that is it, that's, that is the goal, and so one thing it really taught me was like there is no compromise, and truly being able to like stand on business when it comes to God and not allowing circumstance to sway you, not allowing people to sway you, circumstance to sway you, not allowing people to sway you, not allowing anything to get in the way of that like was probably one of the biggest lessons that I could have taken away from it, and even though it was like so hard, I truly do believe that you know God works all things for good, and so if he works it for good, then I know, even if he didn't want that to be the path, which I don't believe he did he can still take my poor decisions. He can still take my mess ups and use them and turn them into something so beautiful, and so I think one of the things like we don't always talk about right is that, oh, like good doesn't feel good in the moment.

Speaker 1:

At the time, like I was like fighting for my life, I was miserable, I was like I don't know up from down, like I am depressed, I am struggling with anxiety, I am financially in a terrible point. Like losing your job once is hard. Being like going through one layoff is is traumatic, but to go through two within a year it was probably the lowest that I've been, while still having to show up when I did get that job again. It's like I'm trying to come out of survival mode and my body is still like it's not safe. We just went through something traumatic. We're still processing the last trauma. Here we are going through something else, and so it really took a lot of therapy. It took a lot of prayer, it took a lot of like being connected and at the feet of Jesus to really drag me up out of that thing.

Speaker 1:

But you know, god had to do what he had to do. He had to strip me of some things, okay, and he did, because I was holding on a little too tight to stuff that he was like that's got to go, your pride is got. I've just given y'all the spark notes as the season goes on. I'm going to dive a little bit deeper into some of these stories and the lessons that, specifically, that the Lord had brought to me. But, baby, I was struggling with the pride. Honey, it was a hot mess. But he's kind, he's so good and he's so gracious and, honestly, I wouldn't trade any of it. I know it's like girl what, but I really would not trade any of it. I know it's like girl what, but I really would not trade any of it.

Speaker 1:

And I know that you probably have had experiences, whether they're the same or whether they're different, that you have been like thank you, lord, because that experience was your mercy, right, like that was you being kind, because this could have been, this could have been another way. That would have been even worse than what I went through. So I was like listen, take everything. Take the platforms, take the people, take the friends, take the house, take the job, take everything right. Like, take what you need to take in order for me to do the thing that you need me to do, which is ultimately come back to you. I had to stop seeking validation in people, in titles, positions. I'm going to get into all of it. It's going to be a really good season. I hope just sharing a little bit of what God has done for me. But he had to do all of that to heal me. He had to do all of that to heal my heart, heal my mind and even heal my body, because my nervous system was a wreck, like I I was. I was literally like a mess, like anxious all over the place, like um, and so I'm just grateful.

Speaker 1:

If you're in a season where you feel like you're losing everything, listen, you're not losing. You're being positioned and it is working for your good. It will work in your good. Like, just stay submitted. And if you feel far away from God, like you are never too far away to where you cannot return to him, so I will encourage you. Like there is nothing that you can do, like the word says, like there is nothing that can separate us and so, whatever it takes, like get back at the feet of Jesus and know. Like it doesn't matter, you can make your bed in hell, he's still going to be there. Like listen, I'm a witness. Like he is still going to be there, and so don't think you're too far. Don't think you've gone too far, you've done too much, don't feel like you've messed up too much, like God is truly still with you and he will always be with you. Left the 99 to come after me, and so if he did it for me, he will do it for you, and I just want to encourage you to continue to seek him.

Speaker 1:

I really want this whole podcast to be just space, right when we have these conversations and unpack these hard truths, because I know it's not easy, and I wish there was a place I could have gone to or a person I could have gone to to say like, hey, this is what I'm struggling with, even in my marriage. I wish that there was a person and someone who was available to I could have gone to to say like, hey, you can ask any of my friends now, even though I am not married, I believe in marriage. I think God hates divorce, and the worst thing you can do is allow your pride to keep you from getting godly counsel, from being in community and healthy community and finding safe people and safe spaces to really talk about life, talk about the struggles that you're having, because you cannot do this alone, and so I want this podcast to be a place, whatever you're going through, to have the hard conversations, to celebrate the goodness of God, to talk about identity, to talk about healing faith, the journey. I want it to be all of that, to truly just walk in the favor of God, even when life looks crazy, even when it's unexpected, even when it feels impossible. I want this to be the place that you can come back to to say like, wow, I feel seen in that or I feel like I can relate to that, and maybe everybody can relate to it. That's okay. If it's for you, it's for you. If it's not, I'm totally okay with that.

Speaker 1:

But I truly do believe that there is something from my journey, from my testimony, that could help at least one person. So here I am, here I am. You got me, you stuck with me, y'all for at least a few episodes. I am so grateful you're here. I can't wait to unpack this more and dive into it in the next episode, but I will definitely say there is good news, jesus. There's a man okay, named Jesus, who can turn it around, okay. But there are some hard truths that come along with it as well. So I hope that you got something from this. I hope you know me a little bit more, but, most importantly y'all I hope that you feel closer to the Lord on the other side of this, because we're going to journey together. So I love y'all. I love you, I love you and I hope y'all have a beautiful day.

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Amanda Beauford

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